She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
