Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
