i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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