So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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