The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
3 2 1 whiskey
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
