Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hippo gnu deer
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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