Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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