I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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