She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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