dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
