sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
