My underwear smells like fireworks.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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