I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
