I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
