does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
