Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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