Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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