Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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