im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
