So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
