i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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