Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
