i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
