u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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