I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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