I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
