My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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