I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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