My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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