The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He had one of those small greek statue penises
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
