I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
