when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
