I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
