She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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