i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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