Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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