I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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