you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
