Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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