Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you inspire me to be a worse person
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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