at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
