So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We left the knife in your bed.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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