i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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