I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I love you.
Bad choice
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