saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
