I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
