Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
