im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
