I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
