Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
