i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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