so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
