On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My friends, they love my intelligence
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
