First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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