My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
