What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
