I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
