Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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