That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
