Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
