Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
